Through Our Tears

Put my tears into your bottle; are they not in your book?

Psalms 56:8-9

Women cry more than men. Scientists say it is good for us. Our ability to let our emotions out is probably one of the factors that account for women living so much longer than men.

God knows and understands our deep pain. Think of God’s pain when He allowed His only Son to die on the cross for our sins. He feels pain when we feel pain. He also offers us comfort for the pains of life. He wants  to carry us through the darkness into light. When we lose loved ones, when we stumble and fall, when we disappoint ourselves, we will cry. That’s a natural thing to do. But God wants to comfort us, forgive us, dry our tears, and carry us on. And  God has promised to wipe away all tears someday when we go to Heaven to live with Him.

In the world, we will have tribulation-that’s a promise. But we have a Savior, Christ, who has overcome the world. And there is a new day coming where we will never cry again.

Prayer:  Thank you Lord, for loving me so intimately and considering me so important that you even keep track of my tears.


Give and Take

All of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility.

I Peter 5:5

Being married is a little like being on a teeter-totter. It’s no fun for one mate to be always up and the other down. No one can move if both partners insist on absolute equality. And if one partner jumps off, the other partner has no choice but to leave as well. In order to enjoy being on the teeter-totter, both partners must learn to give and take.

“You owe me and you’d better pay up.” John and Jennifer both used this phrase when they first came to therapy. Each seemed to carry a little scorebook in his or her head and to give themselves points for every “good deed.” They were constantly arguing about who had done more for the other. Their goal seemed to be to have complete equality and end up with the perfectly balanced teeter-totter. Instead, their teeter-totter was jolting up and down, with each of them being bumped as it hit the ground.

Can you imagine a couple so loving that they argue about how much they want to give to each other instead of how much they want to get from each other. As John and Jennifer’s marriage therapist, I was never able to persuade them to get that humble. But, after nine months of therapy, they had begun to develop a give and take marriage instead of the “take and take” marriage they had.

Thought: The more I give true love, the more likely I am to receive true love.

Happiness is a Journey


Because, although they knew God, they didn’t glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened.

Romans 1:21

How would you complete this sentence: “I would be happier if…?”

Sylvia spent her entire life waiting for happiness and fulfillment. When she was in high school, she was anticipating college. Then when she received her college degree, she became career oriented. Once her career was established, she lived for the week-end. Marriage became her next goal, and once she married she had a desire for children. Sylvia never really tasted life because she was always waiting.

Many of us , like Sylvia, persist in believing that happiness will be just over the next hill. This might not be so bad if we could enjoy ourselves after that hill. Instead, yet another hill always looms on the horizon. Lasting satisfaction remains elusive. And eventually “I’ll be happy if…”becomes a nostalgic “I was happy when…” Many women live the first half of their adult lives postponing satisfaction and the last half with regrets.

Happiness is not a destination; it is a journey. Happiness without holiness is a dead end. Don’t brood over what would make you happy tomorrow or what made you happy yesterday. Instead, aim for holiness, be grateful for today, look forward to tomorrow, and happiness might just be thrown in.

Prayer: Lord, help me develop the attitude of gratitude. Help me seek after holiness. Help me recognize happiness when it comes.

Solid Self-worth


The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God.

Romans 8:16

Self-worth is best built on how God sees us. God knows everything about us, and He loves us more than anyone on earth ever could. When we begin to understand God’s view of who we are, we will then feel free to accomplish the things God wants us to accomplish with our lives. We live in a world that yells, “Dress for success. Dress to impress. If you have it, flaunt it; if you don’t, fake it. Look out for number one.” But God tells us that building our self -worth on people and accomplishments is like the foolish man who built his house upon the sand [see Matthew 7:24-27]. The wise man built his house upon the rock, and that’s where our self-worth will be built when we accept God’s view of us.

Southern California, where I live, is full of people trying to impress others and to prove that they are somebody. We don’t have t0 do that. God is already impressed with us. We are somebody-His children. And He has equipped each of us to accomplish His plan for our lives today.

Thought: I will rethink my schedule for today, eliminating those activities designed to impress men but keeping those that will truly impress God.

Worse Before Better

For in much wisdom is much grief, and He who increases knowledge increases sorrow.

Eccl. 1:18

Gloria had been coming to see me for weeks.  She was very depressed and suicidal. As the weekly meetings continued it seemed that she was getting worse. She had gotten in touch with many repressed memories in her unconscious, and she was experiencing grief as a result. She was discovering a painful, if liberating, reality: The truth will set you free-but first it will make you miserable!

I assured Gloria that the truth really does hurt, but that the only way to resolve her innermost root problems was to expose the truth and deal with it maturely and realistically. Over time she began to feel better. She began to sleep peacefully through the night. She began to laugh again, share good thoughts and good dreams.  She began to feel good about herself. She had definite plans for continuing to deal with her conflicts in her day to day living experiences. Over a period of a year, Gloria went from a  depressed and suicidal woman to a woman who was sharing her story of triumph with others.

Thought:  When I look at the truth inside myself, I will expect it to hurt, but I will not let that discourage me from progressing past and through the pain.

Uncovering Anxiety

You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

John 8:32

Fran came to see me because she had an anxiety attack and had felt very anxious for the past week. Anxiety nearly always comes from a fear of finding out the truth about one’s own unconscious thoughts, feelings, and motives. As Fran’s therapist, I asked about the significant people in her life. She had normal responses until I mentioned her mother whom Fran was going to visit the next week. Then Fran’s neck developed red blotches, her pupils dilated, her hands got sweaty, her arms crossed and her eyes looked away from me toward the floor. She denied any problems with her mom, but her body told me she was lying to herself. It turned out that her mother had always been very narcissistic, demanding, and conditionally accepting.

I finally convinced Fran that her coming vacation and her week of anxiety were no coincidence. She was bitter toward her mother and feared being aware of her rage. As Fran looked at the truth and wept, she knew she would have to learn to forgive her mother. She had to learn to protect herself from her mother’s abuse. Fran’s anxiety would take time to resolve, but looking at the truth was the beginning.

Thought:  Whenever I feel anxious, I will pray for insight into the truth inside myself, then seek the truth from friends or counselors God sends my way.

Accepting Anger

Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath.

Eph. 4:26

Samantha was in the sixth grade when she watched her father beat up her sister. It must have been an upsetting experience, but Samantha recounted it to me without emotion. She coul.dn’t remember feeling anything. In therapy, Samantha grew to realize that, in her family, only the male adult was “allowed” to be angry. A child who expressed anger risked physical abuse. So Samantha had learned to push all emotions deep into her being-so deep that she could no longer feel them.

Our verse today is a familiar one often used in the context of relationships. Is it possible that, at yet another level, the verse means “Don’t push your anger into the darkness so that it goes out of  your awareness”? Fortunately our God is not a dysfunctional parent who can tolerate only our positive feelings. He invites us to express all of our feelings to Him-even our anger and fear. After all, He created us; He knows what we are feeling. And He desires that we get in touch with our own feelings. He desires honesty in our innermost being.

Prayer:  Thank you, Lord, that you made me to be a woman who can experience a wide range of emotions. Thank you that you are accepting of all of them.

Never Too Late

They have struck me, but I was not hurt; they have beaten me, but I did not feel it. When shall I awake, that I may seek another drink?

Proverbs 23:35

Louise was an alcoholic who called herself a social drinker. She had grown up in a family of alcoholics and had a lot of unresolved pain, which she tried to heal with alcohol. Unfortunately excessive use of alcohol depletes serotonin in the brain, making emotional pain worse.

Louise’s friend Judith tried to persuade Louise to join an Alcoholic’s Anonymous group and also get professional counseling, but Louise refused help. A week after Judith’s confrontation, with a couple of Bloody Mary’s under her belt, Louise drove her six-year-old daughter to school. There was an accident in which Louise hit her small daughter with her car as the daughter walked in front of her car and little Jennifer was critically injured. She survived, but was permanently brain damaged.

Grief-stricken, Louise finally got the help she should have gotten much sooner. Over time, she resolved the pain of her early childhood abuse. She asked God to forgive her for injuring her own daughter in the accident. She also worked through the grief process, forgiving herself. Louise must spend the rest of her life living with the consequences of her actions, but now she has the resources for facing her life as a growing, emotionally healthy adult.

Thought:  An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, but better a pound of cure than no cure at all.

Free To Risk

Then the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God.”

Luke 1:30

Nowhere in Scripture do we find God promising us security or absence of suffering. Rather, He promises His presence in whatever we face. He calls us to leave the comfortable, the familiar, and to get to the place in our daily walk where Jesus is our security. But that’s risky!

Mary was promised by the angel Gabriel that she would be the mother of the Messiah. In our more romantic moments, we ponder how wonderful that would be. What an affirmation! But what a risk! When Mary said yes to God’s plan, she risked ridicule. She had to bear the shame of being an unwed mother and then to spend her life watching people reject and ultimately crucify her son. Would she have taken the risk if she hadn’t trusted in God’s goodness?

Trust must precede risk. That is why it is necessary for us to comprehend the security found in God’s accepting and forgiving love-to grasp that God loves us just as much to whether we succeed or fail-before we will be free to risk.

Prayer:  Thank-you, God, that because of Jesus’ sacrifice on Calvary, I have found favor with you. Help me make that the basis of my security so that I am free to risk.